Monday, November 27, 2006


(AP) Weeks later the nation is still reeling from the Michael Richards’
racist rant at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood. In a post-Kramer’s
Racist Tirade world, many Americans feel isolated.

“I don’t know what to do,” says Mandy Iffit, a senior in junior high.
“I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down and all the
goodness has been shaken out of it into the hand of a big outer space
giant so he can sprinkle it on some other planet.”

Richards recently apologized on national television, but victims Kyle
Doss and Frank McBride don't feel the apology is enough and are
calling on Richards to apologize for what they feel was not a very
good apology.

“How can you just apologize?” asks Doss, “That’s like saying, ‘yeah, I
did something wrong and now I’m apologizing for it.’”

During a performance at the Laugh Factory, Richards called Doss and
McBride the N-Word (Nigger), leaving McBride permanently blinded and
Doss paralyzed from the waist down.

“The N-Word (Nigger) is a very destructive word,” said McBride, “Over
1,500 blacks are killed each year by white people who improperly handle
the term. We’re lucky that we’re still alive, but unlucky in that we
haven’t quite gotten everything we want from the situation yet.”

Doss and McBride’s lawyer, Ebony Inkjet, believes that an agreement
can be reached only if Richards is willing to provide Doss and McBride
with the pin number to his ATM account, undergo surgery
to remove the racial lobe from his brain, and apologize once more--in

“How you gonna be apologizing as a white man if what you say when you
is white is what be the problem?” asks Inkjet.

Earlier this week, members of the National Association For The
Advancement Of Opportunists were pleased to learn they had something
to complain about in the light of a growing tolerance in America.

“I’m very happy to still have a job,” said Elijah Wasteland, chairman
of the NAAO. “The passage of the Civil Rights bill in the mid-sixties
along with the end of segregation and a general awareness of not being
in shackles for almost 150 years has greatly crippled our business.”

The Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson nodded their heads to
Wasteland's comments and said “Amen” and “as-Salaam Alaikum” out of
both sides of their mouths.

Four-time Grammy award winner Nigga-Z spoke from his home in the
ghettos of Beverly Hills Wednesday night regarding the Laugh Factory

“Fuck that cracker.”

When asked about the predominant use of the N-Word (Nigger) in rap
lyrics, Mr. Z reminded reporters that many current rap labels such as
the one that released his albums “Nigga Kill-A Whitey” and “Suck On My
Nigga-Gun” are “run by Jews.”

“Anyway, this wasn’t any N-Word (Nigger),” said Mr. Z. “This was an
N-Word (Nigger) used by a cracker.”

Comedians Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle have announced that proceeds
from their new joint album “Funny Stupid Uptight White People Who Are
All Racists” will be donated to build a new recreation center in
Harlem where members of the community can come together and talk about
how much they hate Michael Richards. The proposed 2,000 square foot
facility will also feature a high-definition plasma TV so community
members can watch Richards’ racist tirade over and over again in
slow-motion from the moment his tongue goes to the back of his front
teeth to form the “N” to the instant where his lips jut out slightly
to emphasize the “R.”

Thursday, October 26, 2006


5th Notice

Dear Mr. Cosby,

This letter is to notify you that as of this October, our records
indicate that you still have not given back to the black community.

Your outstanding balance for the year of 2006, adjusted for your
recent honorary PhD and continued presence in the white-controlled
media, is $545,195.16. This balance must be paid in full in order to
build another rec center with a basketball court.

If the above amount is not paid in full by the end of November, our
legal department will be forced to call you an Uncle Tom.


The Black Community

Dear Mr. Diddy,

This is to thank you for your recent gift of 200 computers to P.S. 123
Adam Clayton Powell Junior High School in Harlem.

Our school is improving daily. By next year, we hope to have teachers.


The Black Community

Dear Mr. Sharpton,

Thank you for your rececnt inquiry into the case of the brother on
death row. Rest assured he does still have dreadlocks and is comparing
himself to Ghandi.

As to your other concern, yes, in lieu of money to his defense fund,
we will accept rhetoric.


The Black Community

Dear Mr. Bonds,

I wonder if instead of "steroid abuse," we may begin using the term
"white supremacy"? Hopefully, this will work to remove all asteriks
from the record books.


The Black Community

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Where Are They Now?



My name is Larry Summers. A long time ago, I used to be the president of Harvard. But, boy, did I fuck up.

Last year, in case you don't remember, I made the comment that males
and females had different genitalia. This statement met with quite a
bit of controversy from some of the greatest pioneers in the feminist

For example:

Denice "Big Balls" Denton - Chancellor of UC Santa Cruz before
her hysterical plunge 42 stories from the top of a very phallic
building to her beloved mother earth below - wrote in her final essay,
"Women and Men Think Differently And I Am A Woman And I Wrote This All
By Myself":

". . . Larry Summers has no right to talk about women because anybody
who is not a woman doesn?t know anything about women even if they have
a wife or a mother . . ."

Louann Brizendine's book The Female Brain, in which she suggests that
the female brain is shaped like a little pony with a pink tail and
purple ribbons and the male brain is shaped like a Corvette, suggests
in her postscript:

". . .Larry Summers reminds me of my father. And my dad never believed
in me. But you know what, Dad? I'm making it on my own. And I'm a
woman. I'm talented, Dad. A talented woman! I wrote a whole book!"

I realize now that as a male, every word that comes out of my mouth
wreaks untold amounts of death and destruction for all women. My words
have been Katrina to the New Orleans of women. I am a tsunami in a
three-piece suit.

I have single-handedly set women back centuries. Thanks to my ignorant
comments, the modern Western female is now no better off than women
under Islam. Oops. . . I mean . . .

Oh, fuck. I probably just got a bunch of female nuns killed. I better
shut up now . . .

Sunday, September 10, 2006

A Tribute to 9/11 Victim Martin Paul Michelstein

This entry is part of Project 2,996, which commemorates the 2,996 people killed in the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. I’m one of 2,996 bloggers posting a tribute to one of these individuals.

This entry is in remembrance of Martin Paul Michelstein.

Have a thought, a prayer, a moment of silence--what have you--today for Martin (Marty) Paul Michelstein and the friends and family who survive him.

Martin Michelstein grew up in the small town of Somers, NY, and attended Somers Central High School, graduating in 1961. At the time of the attacks, he resided in nearby Morristown, NJ. He was confirmed dead at the World Trade Center.

He was 57 years old at the time of his death.

Visit the Project 2,996 website to read tributes to other victims.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

. . . because seven eight the ninth planet!

From: Fixhialtius V5, Chariman of the Council on American-Plutonic Relations

To: Earth Science Astronomy People

Dear Earth Science Astronomy People--

Pluto’s not a planet, huh? Who the fuck do you think you are, God’s gift to astronomy? Well, you got it wrong--God’s gift to astronomy is God. And only God can make a planet, assholes!

And only God can take one away.

How did you come to your little conclusion anyway? Have you been to Pluto? Do you know anything at all about the culture and peoples of Pluto? Or is this something you just assumed because you read it in some astronomy book that you probably wrote in the first place?

What do you think is going to happen now because of your little pronouncement? Is Pluto suddenly going to stop orbiting and disintigrate into dust because the big bad Earth scientists said it wasn’t a planet?

Fuck you. This doesn’t change anything! You gravely underestimate the long Plutonic tradition.

This is revisionist science at its worst. It is nothing more than human guilt. Yes, one time, many millions of years ago, there was slavery on Pluto. Yes, for a long time female Plutonian writers were omitted from the literary canon of great Plutonian masterpieces. Yes, Plutonians have used racial profiling to weed out Neptunian terrorists. So this is the collective universal punishment for our prior sins? To be stripped of our inherent planethood?

Let’s see how you like this, as long as we’re playing the flimsy game of random redefinition--EARTH isn’t a planet anymore either. What do you think of that?

I’m sure I could bring up quite a few “unique characteristcs” and “unorthodox elements” inherent in the planetary status of Earth that might throw everything into question.

To name a few--

1) Pine trees. No other planet has pine trees. Doesn’t that put YOU in the minority? Doesn’t that raise doubts about YOUR planetary status?

2) A Pacific Ocean. Name me one other fucking planet that has a Pacific Ocean! How about an Atlantic, Indian, or Arctic? Kind of difficult, isn’t it?

3) Burning Man. You charge people over two hundred dollars once a year to live out in the desert with a bunch of ravers? Jesus, I wonder how your neighbors Venus and Mars would feel if they knew they shared a solar system with such retards. . .

The list goes on and on. It’s easy to point the finger at something 2.7 billion miles away. It’s always harder to look at yourself. Find a mirror, assholes. Don’t they have them on earth? Oh, that’s right--you also invented narcissism!

Last night, I held my daughter Xarpanthima by her tentacle. She was crying. (Yes, we have emotions out here in Pluto) Xarpanthima goes to private school on Saturn. When it came time for science class and the teacher related the news of our “demotion” she had to endure endless taunts from her classmates. How is she supposed to hold her metallic-sheened orb high after this?

Even worse, this morning I awoke to see that somebody had spray-painted the word “Nigger” on the east side of our surface.

I hope you earthlings really do get melted away by the polar ice caps and bust a big fucking hole through your ozone layer. Personalliy, I thought Katrina was justified.

Until that glorious day comes, however, we’re going to look for a new sun. You’re not the only solar system in town. To be sure, we’ll probably be the last planet in that system as well. Not even the ninth, more like the 5,346,132th. But guess what? You’ll be even farther back than we are in that particular line-up. And whoever that solar system’s equivalent of Earth is--who knows, maybe some day down the road THEIR human scientists will start questioning the planetary status of the 5,346,138th planet. . .

Oh, I’m sorry--”icy dwarf”!


Go fuck your mother.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

The Independent Pollster

Sometimes I worry that there will be peace in the future. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a war-monger. I’m just a monger. There isn’t anything I won’t monge.

But I am scared of the potential for lasting peace.

My fear is that if all wars ended tomorrow and peace was established on earth, over time humans would evolve into Spielberg-esque aliens a la Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Our bodies would begin to glisten with a light watery sheen and our skin would turn gray. We’d all become very tall and thin, lose all evidence of body hair and discernible genitalia, our eyes would be devoid of irises and grow to encompass half of our face, our mouths would shrink to an expressionless “O” and our noses would be replaced by two slits for nostrils.

We would communicate with a series of unintelligible, but slightly adorable, coos and sighs and cock our heads slightly to the left when encountering something new.

Dogs would be scared of us at first, but when we touch them on the nose with our glowing, elongated finger, they would recognize we are their friends and mean them no harm.

The extent of our creative labors will be periodically humming along to a five note melody tapped out on a keyboard by a French scientist.

If men in suits try and take us away for research, children on bicycles will always be there to help us escape.

And the sadly ironic thing is, we will be regarded as the most intelligent and advanced civilization that ever lived.


Over at The Independent Pollster

We asked over two hundred people over a period of twenty-four hours what time it was—and received some interesting results:

12% believed it was somewhere between 3:07 p.m. and 3:19 p.m.

45% believed it to be close to midnight or a little thereafter

17% believed it was between 4 and 5 in the morning and violently ejected us from their homes

19.33% stated that even though they believed it was currently 9:07 a.m., answers could vary given the time of day.

6% refused to answer, citing differentials such as time zones and current daylight savings time mandates—[if they’re so smart, why aren’t they asking the questions?—ed]

When asked the question “where are you?” the answers were even more varied.

0.00001% stated they were window shopping until it was time to pick up Barbara from her dentist’s appointment

0.00001% stated they were at the dentist

0.00001% stated they were working on a woman’s teeth

0.00003% were at home wondering when Daddy and Barbara (their step-mother, whom they’ve never really gotten along with, which is why they don’t call her “mommy”) were going to get back from the dentist and take them to Dairy Queen.

95% were on various street corners, providing answers to some asshole from a Gallup poll.

When asked the question “Do you think Gallup polls are causing a restrictive monopoly on polls and squeezing out independent salt-of-the earth working class middle-American pollsters?” the answers were quite telling.

72% said they didn’t have time to answer any more questions because they just got finished talking to the nice young man from the Gallup poll.

0.0004% said, “Face it, indie-boy, nobody cares about your little independent bullshit polls. The world is changing, my friend—either you’re part of the 21st century, or you’re little five and dime question-asking goes the way of the do-do bird.” And then they sneered and did one of those little James Spader-styled hair flips.

0.0001% said they would teach me karate if I waxed their cars.

These are all telling figures, but what do they mean? And what will they mean for future generations? Or will there be any future generations? What if that movie about melting was true?

But if our skin was slimy and we lost our genitalia and our body hair and our facial expressions—we could free the world from the slavery of opinions. . .

And I’d be out of a job.

I’m the Independent Pollster.

100% of me agrees with 100% of me.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


Dear Mr. Swarcinigger,

My name is Liliana Valenzuela and I am an senior at Richmond High School in Richmond.

As a student, i am always learning new things. Rescently, I learned that I did not pass the standerdized test which will allow me to gradate and wear a cap and gown and be with all my friends who did passed the standerdize test.

What is my point., yhou ask.? Mr. Swarciniger, my parents came to this country on a boat. I don’t know why, we are from mexico. But that is neither here nor then.

What is a standerdize test? I was told by a good techer, Mr. Juan Enrico Guitteriez, that the test is on 10th grade reading and writing and 8th grade math. Mr. Swarchinegro, I am in the 12th grade! What i do In the 8th and 10th grade is not revelant.

Mr. Schwartchinogro, my parents came to this country for a better life, not a chance to prove themselves. When we are a country that have difficult issue like immigraton and unjustice, what purpose is the standerdize test. There are only one purpose--to be rasist!

Mitter Sfarzenioagra, when the people who own the standerdize test told me i didn’t win and wont be able to gradate, i cried. Misty Sccharneegre, Can you imagine being a 18-year old Latina girl who cannot wear her prety dress to the gradation parade?

I spent all of tweflth grade fixing my hair for this big day and now because of a rasist test no boys will see my hair on gradation night! And becuase why? Becuase I dont know how many sides a pentagon has? So what! I am NOT A PENTAGON! I AM A LATINA!

Evan though I have not past the standerdize test, I am still prety. Prety enough to gradate! But becuase of rasist test, i cannot feel prety today.

Mishertier Sccorachoinoggeregger, as the presedent of cafilornia i am sure you know abot rasism. woud you have all you have if you had to take a standerdize test ? What if a techer told you “you cannot ware a prety dress and fix your hair prety and go meet boys?” You wold probbably do what I did--fall on the couch and bust yuor jaw open.

We are suing the world becuase of this rasistm. How can you except children to do good in shool when you test them. On what? Rasism!

Mikohotofter sChwooriniazeonriegoiriegger, On the top of everthing esle, this “qote” standerdize test is not evan in my navite langage. You wold’nt ask a conditoner to be a shapmoo. what wil i do with my prety hair.

Pleas misintitoerer sochrwarronoeazeoraeorgggnienzeaerrearer, help me get to gardutaion.

Scinerly, Liliana Valenzuela

Dear Ms. Valenzuela,

Thank you for writing and for the enclosed photographs. Yes, you are a young and beautiful Latina who will one day blossom into a glorious Spanish rose.

For a delicate and feminine young lady, however, you’ve got quite some balls.

As I understand your letter, you would like me to intervene and singlehandedly obliterate our already vastly withering educational system so that you can put on a cap and gown and mince around like a slut.

Trust me, Ms. Valenzuela, all this can be achieved in this country without either passing a standardized test or possessing a diploma. That is one of the many things that make our country great--the freedom to be a worthless whore.

Every year, I’ve been dumping wheelbarrows full of money into schools just like yours and from what I’ve observed, the administrators have used that money to buy newer, more sparkly computers. Unfortunately, given the tone of your letter, it appears that the school has yet to purchase a computer capable of teaching students how to learn without computers. Not to mention the concepts of personal responsibility, aspiring to excellence, and reading and writing.

I guess we should wheel in some more money until that time comes.

As far as the accusations that the standardized tests are racist, there’s an old Spanish saying that I’m sure you’re familiar with--”Go fuck yourself.” There, NOW you’re a victim.

Most sincerely,
Arturo Luis Guzman,
Special educational consul to Governor Schwarzenegger